She's come undone

Even as I write this, I see my map of the San Rafael Wilderness out of the corner of my eye and I am thinking about what kind of run I am going to do today. This sort of behaviour of overdoing it seems to have got me into a little trouble.

Yesterday I went down to Santa Barbara to do Nite Moves, an event I normally really enjoy. The conditions were perfect. The water was 60 degrees and calm. There was just a slight breeze and 2 of my girlfriends were doing the swim, too. My better judgment and my boyfriend were against me doing the swim, given my recent diagnosis of a nerve problem in my right hand. This hand problem warranted me taking the week off of doing massage and riding my bike. This was stressful in itself because an unplanned week off of work wasn't helping my already tight budget.

Maybe I shouldn't have got in the water last night. I found myself in a really dire situation about halfway through the swim, where I am normally just settling into my groove and really enjoying myself. Instead I was gasping for air and couldn't catch my breath. I was panicking so badly that I thought I might drown. It was truly awful. I have never experienced an anxiety attack, and here I was in the ocean, experiencing a very severe one. It was pure willpower that enabled me to finish the race. I was 15 yards from the shore and it was like a wall was up and I just couldn't move. If you have ever done any sort of race, the end is where you usually get that extra burst of energy to sprint in or at least make an effort to finish strong. It was the opposite. I saw people on the beach cheering people on and it seemed like and eternity before I made it to the shore. My breathing was so bad that my chest hurt and I was coughing a weird hacking cough that wouldn't stop.

Of course I thought if I could just get my wetsuit off and get my running shoes on, I could get out on the run course and feel better again. No such luck. I started the run and had to walk every few minutes to catch my breath. I wanted to go hide in the bathrooms. I made it back to the finish area and decided to have a beer. I told Kristine about my trouble and she offered to drive me home. I declined and made it home okay after talking to Gail on the phone for a while.

I guess there are times where we need to listen to others and respect our own intuition. I knew I was stressed, but had no idea it would manifest itself in such a violent way. I am trying to learn from this experience, rather than punish myself. I have a tendency to overdo stuff and not take the time to rest and be quiet. So, although I may go for that run today, I will spend part of my day undoing instead of overdoing. Hopefully one day I will learn to do things at a normal, healthy pace.